my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
