Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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