hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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