Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Im part way to drunk.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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