Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
