I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
