I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
