she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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