honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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