we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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