we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
