that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
