Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
