Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
