shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
