In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
