You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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