We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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