Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize