he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
