I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
