Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
