I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
