I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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