Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
