I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
