I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
