if only i could text you this smell
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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