Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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