So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
