I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
