just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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