I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
