I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
