I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
