Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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