Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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