Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
