Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
