i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize