I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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