I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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