Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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