Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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