When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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