Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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