This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
