She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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