well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
