if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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