Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
