Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
