He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
