You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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