Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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