I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
