So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
