i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
