I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
