moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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