there's paper in my vomit.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
