On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
