Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
