next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
