Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
