You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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