soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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